Grieving, Part II

 A few random thoughts along the way.... 

It is very weird to have no one left to ask questions about my childhood.
 
I am now the only one alive with certain memories.

First holiday season without Mom is just around the corner.

"Life goes on" is oh so...layered.

It's odd how lonely it feels with both parents gone.

"Live each day like it's your last" actually seems rather impractical; but, "love each day like it's your last" seems like a very good idea.

You're Approved!

How many times have I seen these words? Pre-approved for a loan, a credit card, and so on. When I was younger, this kind of thing excited me. Now, however, anything with those words on it pretty much always goes directly into the trash. There is one context, however, in which I really want to hear those words:

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.
 - 2 Timothy 2:15

With all that has happened over the last several years in my church, and the (post-)post-modern world in which we live, I am understanding (remembering?) more and more just how vital this is. (And I am not alone.) Over the last several years, I have had to re-examine some basic, fundamental beliefs I have held for quite some time.

What do I really believe?
Why do I believe it?
Am I still living based on what a person told me many years ago (Hebrews 5:11-14)?
Why do I do what I do?
Could I, if I had to, defend these beliefs?

In terms of my "core" Christian beliefs, I am more solid than ever, especially since I have been able to see them tested for over 18 years! I refer more to my "church" beliefs. For, as I have learned, there can be a distinct difference between what the Bible teaches and what people teach, even if those people go to my church. (I would say this is why God calls us all to be like the Bereans, something that can be easily forgotten.)

To illustrate what I'm talking about, let's talk about Acts 2:42. If you are a member of my church, you have heard this Scripture literally more times than you could count. One way it is used very often is to "teach" others that we need to be committed to church. But, is that actually what it's talking about? Let's think for a minute, here. At the time, the tradition of "church" as we know it had not even been "invented" yet. Not to mention, if I'm going to "enforce" vs 42, I MUST do the exact same with vs 45, vs 46, Acts 4:32, and so on. Am I? (Are you?)

Quite simply, if I do just a little "Berean-esque" digging, I find that Luke is talking about way more than just church; he is talking about devotion to the overall community, or family, of believers. Church is just one means of fellowship; yet, how many times have I used this verse on myself or someone else to achieve commitment to church?

(Along these same lines, what about Hebrews 10:25? Same thing. If I use the brain God gave me, I have to admit that occasionally missing church and "giving up meeting together" are not synonymous! See also Colossians 2:20-23 and Galatians 3:1-5, and contrast with Colossians 3:1-3.)

Now, I am not saying that church is not important. As a matter of fact, minus sickness or my current eight weeks of night school, I'm at church. Every week. Twice a week. But why do I go? It's simple: I need it. I need the fellowship. I benefit from the focused reminders of what is real, true, and good. And, though I generally have a hard time truly believing this, others need me as well. It is not because the Bible teaches that missing church inevitably means going to hell; it does not! Church is kind of like eating right and exercising: the outcomes (of attending vs. not attending) are not guaranteed, but boy the likelihood of certain outcomes sure is greatly influenced!

So what am I saying? I'm saying that I need to know whether I am a church drone, a modern-day Pharisee, or an approved workman. (And I am not alone.)

Glad To Be Alive

I'm noticing lately how often I hear a Christian say something like, "any day above ground is a good one." (Maybe this has something to do with how my peers and I just keep getting older ;).)  I find this strange, though.  Shouldn't we, more than anyone else, be looking forward to death? I mean, I am obviously well acquainted with the sadness that follows death on the parts of those who are still alive; but, even Paul knew which was better:

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.
 - Philippians 1:21-24

I can most relate to Paul's torn feelings when I think of my wife and kids. I realized lately how completely paralyzed by fear I have been for quite some time (well, over seven years, actually). With my dad's death when I was young, to the sudden death of a man I pretty much regarded as the perfect example of a Christian, husband, father, and friend, I have found myself terrified of "leaving my children" before they're ready.

As a wise man and friend recently pointed out, however, we are never ready for our parents to die! I should know: my mom's death four months ago really has not been any easier on me than my dad's 25 years ago. That's where my faith in God needs to come in.

Do I believe that God meets our needs? Do I believe that God gives us what we need when we need it? Do I believe that God knows best, and that His timing is perfect? Can I, therefore, conclude that I will be around as long as my kids need me to be; and that, whenever I die, at some level it is because they no longer need me?

And can I find peace in this?

I can. I must. I will.

As for whether I personally am glad to be alive...well, the logical conclusion to all this is that someone must actually still need me (a very odd concept, indeed!); so, as long as I am needed, then I guess I'm glad to be alive.  :)

Grieving, Part I

Loss is a part of life. Whether death, break-up, divorce, jobs, dreams, and so on, we all experience loss. A very dear friend of mine, who also happens to be a Marriage and Family Psychologist, recommended a book to me: The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition (thank you, Charles!). I have been reading it for a week now, and I have to say, I highly recommend it to EVERYONE. It seems to focus on "completing" one's grief, which is something I suspect many, if not all of us, need.

The first part lays the foundation by going into all the wrong ways we are taught to deal -- or not deal -- with our grief. It is pretty eye opening!  The second part, which I just started yesterday, begins the nitty gritty "homework" of doing it the right way. With my father's death 25 years ago, five jobs in the last 11 years, a friend dying recently, several dreams, and my mom's death four months ago, I've got my work cut out for me :).

I'll be sharing from my journey as I go, partly for therapeutic reasons, and partly because someone reading this might actually get something out of it. In the meantime, please, if you think you may need this book, pick one up and get started; you'll be glad you did.

Let the digging begin!

Chick-fil-A (Oh Why Not?)

I can hardly believe it has gotten this far. When will it end? It will end, of course, no matter how passionate some are about it right now. After all, when was the last time you or I did anything for Katrina or Tohoku survivors?

Yeah, this too shall pass.

In the meantime, though, I thought I'd weigh in. I wasn't going to at first, but eh, what the heck? No one really cares what I think anyway, so why not. What's one more?

I think that Christians who are gay-bashing, declaring CFA's "record profits" from 8/1 a blessing from God, and just all around contributing to this debacle need to dig deeper into their Bibles, maybe starting with Jesus' interactions with the Pharisees.

I think that folks within, and supporters of, the LGBT community who are attacking said Christians, planning "kiss-in" type events, and the like are hurting their cause way more than they are helping it.

I think that if we don't all take a step back and get over our grand delusion that we not only have a right to have opinions but a duty to air and even impose them, we will ultimately destroy ourselves.

I think that, sadly, no Mr. King, we can't all just get along.

And finally, I think I may just attend one of these "kiss-in's" -- since they're obviously going to happen regardless of what I think -- and, as a Christian, love my gay neighbor. Who knows, I've seen some pretty amazing things happen when I actually choose to do WJWD.

The Hole In Our Gospel

About a month ago, I was sharing with a friend and fellow Christian something that was weighing heavily on my heart. He asked if I had read The Hole In Our Gospel by Richard Stearns, because in it the author expresses a lot of the same things I was sharing. I told him I hadn't, and I decided that I wouldn't, since, after all, why read a book that basically expresses the same things I'm already thinking and feeling?

Well, a couple weeks later, it was still on my mind and heart, so I decided to get the book and read it. Wow! You know how every once in a while you read a book you passionately, vehemently wish everyone would read? (And, for those of you who are like me, you wish you had written it?) This is one of those books. (Well, at least, every Christian should read it.) I barely made it two pages into the prologue before I broke down crying!

What can I say about it? How can I do it justice? See, at the beginning of this year, I started reading through the entire Bible for my fourth or fifth time; and, for some reason <cough>, this time I have been noticing over and over how much God talks about serving the poor and needy.  (Like I shared in a previous post, this makes for a really powerful Bible study!) It was impacting me (as any time in God's Word should), and I was beginning to get even more involved than I already was in serving the poor, both locally and globally, and I was feeling pretty good about it. Then I read this book. And BAM!

Why did God destroy Sodom? (Are you sure?)

Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.
 - Ezekiel 16:49

God had His prophet relay their sin in relation to the poor and needy; He didn't even mention the other stuff! And what about what it truly means to know God? I mean, this is something of ultimate importance to those who want to love and follow Him, right? In speaking of King Josiah, God says,

"He defended the cause of the poor and needy, 
    and so all went well.
Is that not what it means to know me?"
    declares the Lord.
 - Jeremiah 22: 16

I simply can't do the book justice by sharing parts of it; but, I will share just this one quote: "If we in the Church are truly dedicated to the Great Commission, then we will first have to do something about the 'Great Omission.' " One thing I have learned is, in order to keep the fire burning, it must be repeatedly and frequently stoked. I am going to have to figure out what that means for me. You are up to you :).

So please, if you are a Christian, please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please...

Read this book. And let God do to you and with you as He sees fit!

UPDATED 2020:

Reflections on Race

The Church as an Example

Moment of Reckoning

Walk On By

Am I Weak?

Recently a minister in my church talked about how some anti-Christianity folks will say things like, "church is only for weak people," and then he proceeded to refute this line of thinking.  I disagree with him, though.  Church is for weak people.  But here's the thing: we're all weak!  Unfortunately, we are trained from a very young age to see weakness as a bad thing and something to be overcome, or at the very least, hidden.

We are bombarded with messages about how "powerful" and self-sufficient we are, how all we really need we already have within ourselves (man, what nonsense!), all because we are afraid to admit we really don't have all the answers and that we really do need all the help we can get.

In the past few weeks since my mom died, I have seen just how weak I can be.  It hasn't been pretty; and, I am definitely not proud.  (Good thing the only way to truly fail is to give up!)  This, though, is where I turn to God's view of weakness:


...but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say. To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
 - 2 Corinthians 12:5-10

Maybe church really is only for weak people (everyone) but the only people who become part of one are those who admit it (few).

Am I weak?  Oh heck yeah!  Sadly, I can't say I've gotten to the point where I delight in that fact yet; but hey...I'm learning.  :)

Watching Mom Die

I never thought I'd be in this situation, but here I am. We are ceasing all treatment and focusing solely on pain relief. In fact, we moved her to hospice earlier today. This means that they will be giving her meds that should finally ease the pain...and death is only a matter of time. It really is very surreal.

Watching her suffer like this has been truly unbearable; yet, so is the fact that I will soon be without both parents. A friend who has been through it told me that it is a deeply lonely feeling; I have already begun to feel it. I am going to miss her so much!!! I mean, SHE'S MY MOM! No one loves you, takes care of you, etc., like your MOM!

Man the memories. For the first several years of my life it was just she and I (my parents got married when I was ten, though I honestly don't remember when we moved in with my dad). I have very fond, cozy memories of those first years.

Now I sit here, watching her sleep. (At least she can sleep; last night was easily one of, if not the, worst nights of my life.) But I sit here, watching her sleep, watching her skin turn yellow, listening to her breathing become "gurgly;" and, well, it SUCKS!

My mom has not had an easy life, not the least of which was having to be mother to the likes of me.  But she's a fighter, and she has never given up, and she has done an amazing job.  Oh she has her faults, just like everyone else, lemme tell ya :); but, I have never once doubted her love for me and that my good was priority numero uno in our relationship. She has taught me much with her wisdom, even though, sadly, like most young folks, I didn't realize most of it until I got older and had kids myself. (Personally, I think that was the unspoken curse after the stupid fruit-eating disaster in Eden, but that's for another post.) Even when I was being stupid (her words, and now, mine as well), it was all with my good in mind. And that's good enough for me!

I will miss you, Mom, more than words can express; and, my life will simply and genuinely never be the same without you in it as my go-to-anytime, all-time greatest fan!

I love you, Mom!

Kony: The Bigger Picture

So, this whole viral Kony thing has been bringing something to light for me, and I do not like what I'm seeing. First, there was the wave of people (me included) spreading the Kony video and asking people to get involved. Then, there was the second wave, a wave of people pointing out the flaws with the first wave. Frankly, this second wave really ticked me off. At first, it was my pride, plain and simple, because I was part of the first wave. But then, I began to realize what I was feeling deeper down, and that is

So what??

So there are fewer than 30,000 kids in his army now. So he's not currently in Uganda (which the video actually made clear). So there are other problems. So this has been going on for a while already.  Do any of these "facts" negate the need or the horror??  What if there is only one small boy who has been taken from his family and is being forced to kill? What if there is only one little girl who was abducted and is being forced to do horrible things?

What if it were your child?!

Critical thinking, hey? While I am a passionate advocate of getting the facts, at some point, that either boils down to which total stranger you choose to believe (in this case, Jason Russell, Larry Magid, Rosebell Kagumire, etc.) or actually going and finding out for yourself.

Then, we can either get bogged down by showing to the world we're the ones who really know the "truth;" or, we can actually do something. I can't afford a trip to Africa; but, even if there's only one child involved, I can do something here. And I will.

I find myself genuinely fascinated (disturbed?) by how we as individuals choose whom we believe and on what we base this trust; what we accept as fact; whom we accept as experts. Should those who put such profound faith in other people be envied, or pitied?

This reminds me of Oprah's one-year-after-Katrina episode. Scenes of devastation and stories of despair, accompanied by tears from all, were followed by Oprah asking how this could be; how/why, one YEAR later, were things basically the way they were one day later?

Then she says, "We'll be right back." And there it was - a commercial with a chipper, skinny woman talking about weight loss. I jumped up, turned to my wife, and said, "That's why! Because when the heart-rending moment is over, we all go back to our own personal, surfacy, little worlds and NOTHING CHANGES!"  Or, like someone interviewed on NPR recently said, we are equally capable of getting indignant at injustice and then turning and listening to our "sweatshop" iPods.  [No, not the guy who was on This American Life who has been subsequently discredited; a guy commenting on the bigger picture.]

And this is the big picture problem this whole Kony thing has been illuminating for me. Why is there so much suffering in the world? Maybe one major reason is that those of us who could do something to stop it, just...don't.  Even worse, what if Alex Perry is right, and even fewer will now...?

Stop. Kony. Now.

I just watched a 27-minute video that hit me hard!  I have begun to get involved and do something about it.  I want to ask you to do the same.  In a way, this directly exemplifies what I wrote about in my last post: we really do have the power; we just need to exercise it!  Maybe you won't be out all night on April 20th, but their Web site makes it SO easy to do something!

And to my fellow Christians, I humbly suggest a challenge...a challenge that just may change your life:

1. Find a Bible you have an easy time reading all the way through (I prefer certain chronological arrangements).
2. Using a piece of paper, spreadsheet, or whatever works for you, make a tracker consisting of at least three columns, and title the columns Fellowship, Evangelism, and Poor & Needy.*
3. Read through your Bible all the way through, noting on your tracker every Scripture reference that falls under one of these categories.
4. When you're done, use your tracker to check your heart against God's toward the poor and needy, especially in comparison to the other areas we tend to focus on in our churches.

*You can add more columns, of course, depending on what your church tends to focus on.

Jesus came to seek and save the lost, right?  Of course He did (Luke 19:10).  But is that all He came to do (Matthew 20:28)?  And just how did He go about His mission?  Did He spend approximately 3.5 years preaching to the masses about church attendance, or evangelism, or "tithing," or whatever?  Or, did He spend his time meeting the physical needs around Him, taking advantage of the opportunities that came along to also meet the spiritual ones?  (This, by the way, also makes for a good -- and shorter :) -- Bible study.)

(For more on Christianity and serving the poor, please take the time to listen to this podcast.)

So please.  Watch the video.  Sign the pledge.  And, don't stop there....

Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do :D.

Thank you!!

We The People

Well, it's election season.  Though I try to avoid politics, and what usually passes for "news" in general, it is a bit hard to these days.  As time passes, I am noticing a trend, and I had a thought.

The trend is this: we the people seem to complain, rant, rave, maybe do a little something politically, vote, rinse, repeat.

My thought is simply this: maybe the politicians aren't really the problem.

I think we forget that we the people really are the ones with the power.  And, since we forget we have it, we don't really use it.  So, maybe we should ask ourselves, are we truly part of the solution, or are we really just part of the problem?  Here are some questions that might help:

• Am I someone who walks into a voting booth and simply pulls my party's lever (i.e., do I actually believe the candidate in my party is always and irrefutably the best choice)?
• Did I vote for/against Obama purely, or even primarily, because of his skin color?
• Do I vote without doing any research of my own, maybe even based on what ads or the media tell me?

(If you answered "yes" to any of these, maybe you just shouldn't vote....)

• Do I honestly believe that whoever is voted into office this year will solve everything?
• Do I complain about the way that money and politics co-mingle yet never change my lifestyle habits (where I shop, where I eat, where I buy gas, what I drive, where I live, etc.)?

Our brothers and sisters in the Middle East are finally doing something about their situations.  Do we really still believe that the solution lies in relying on the flawed human(s) we elect to make all the important decisions for us??

Now, I am not necessarily advocating a revolution; but, if all we want to do is whine and complain and not much else, maybe we should just hush (I can hear some of you now; and, yes, you are free to air your opinions.  My point, though, is, what good is that actually doing?).

On the other hand, maybe we should remember who really has the power...and start exercising it!

(Ok, complain, rant, rave done; time to go drop $4.29/gallon....)

What Is Salvation?

It's like this:

Every single human being is born with a disease.  Not only is this disease ultimately fatal, it is the true root cause of every human problem that exists in the world.

The only real cure for this disease is available from God, and God alone.  Fortunately, He offers this cure freely, through Jesus, to everyone.

Do you have to finally admit that your way isn't working and take the treatments exactly as the Great Doctor prescribes?  Well, no......unless you actually want to get well.  :)

(If you want a more "extended" summation, this is pretty much the best one I've found.)

The Secret, Unveiled

I believe this is worth sharing:  http://www.douglasjacoby.com/view_article.php?ID=5392.

Big Picture Q&A #1

1: Why do bad things happen to good people?
A: They don't. There are no good people (Luke 18:19), despite our humanistic definition of "good" and insistence that there are.

2: Why do bad things happen, period?
A: Because if nothing bad ever happened, we would all be fat, lazy, stupid, and useless.

3: So what's the point?
A: Satan uses the bad things to destroy us, if we let him; whereas, God uses the bad things to make us stronger, if we let Him.

The Next Chapter

What a fascinating journey this has been so far!

I started here; from there I transitioned to here; and now I find myself right here.

The first two blogs had a specific context; and, while they definitely served my purpose for them at the time, I realize that, like everyone else, there is more to me than just one...category, or label.

I do not write this blog because I think that I, or my life, is worthy of documenting.  I write it because (1) it is therapeutic; (2) we are, after all, supposed to write about what we know; and, (3) it is a simple fact that God uses each of us to impact others as much as we let Him.  There may only be three people in the whole world who ever get anything out of what I share, but that's not within my control.  If even just one person benefits, that's good enough for me.

For now, though, that's pretty much all I have to say.  :)

Thanks for joining me!