As we approach the end of 2022, what I refer to as our Blip seems largely like a memory to most. Not for me, though. I have realized lately that I am like someone who has been forever changed by, and cannot move past, a recent abuse. Over the past few years I have expected much I did not see or receive and have seen/received much I never would have expected, and it has changed me. I have been processing something that is just now starting to crystalize.
As a person of color living in America, I haven't truly felt safe since college. Unlike many people of color, however, I've never been part of a community where I did feel safe, especially to discuss such things. I have, over the past few decades, been part of a community where (I realize now) I told myself I was safe; not to discuss such things of course, but at least safe from overt attacks. I no longer have even this "refuge," as I no longer feel safe even there.
I've also realized a fundamental change in how I see America; I see two types of people. There are those who, frankly, want essentially what Hitler wanted, and then there's everyone else. The first group either forgets or denies the true origins and history of this "great" nation and seems to honestly believe a slew of things that would be laughable if they weren't all so dangerous. Oh, and I happen to live in the part of my city that is populated mostly by people in this group.
(The benefit-of-the-doubt part of me still wants to defend some of these folks, telling myself that they are "just blissfully ignorant and are only thinking about the financial side of things, especially for themselves; and, while this is certainly still grotesquely self-centered, it's not really hate and $&^%$# supremacy, right?!" This excuse doesn't really work any more, though.)
My wife has been watching "The Watcher" and today I saw some of episode two. There is a scene where Naomi Watts' character talks about how angry she is at what's happening to them, saying, "Is that what we should be telling our kids? That if somebody terrorizes us we just let them?" I choked on and nearly spit out my soup...and then said, "Welcome to Black America, sister!" I wasn't trying to be funny.
But of course it's not just Black America; it's Everyone-but-one-specific-demographic (or their cohorts and wannabes) America. My wife just finished watching "The US and the Holocaust" on PBS and I was in the room for the last 30 minutes of the last episode. It ended an hour ago and I have been crying or trying not to cry since. It is the definition of "profound" in what it conveys and how. It's not easy to watch, but I recommend it to everyone. Trust me, it's not just what you've seen or heard before!
Anyway...I find it cathartic to write out what I'm feeling, to share it, and to receive encouragement from the few who will send some. (Thank you in advance, by the way!! I pretty much know who you are at this point lol, and it means more than you probably realize.) I'm done now, though. Back to processing, navigating, and figuring out where to go from here and how to get there....
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