It was neither quick nor easy; it was very hard and a very long time coming. And as is almost always the case in situations like this, there are multiple reasons.
The Wrong Cornerstone
Buildings depend on their foundations, and foundations depend on that first stone - the cornerstone. The overarching reason I left my church is that I now believe they are built on the wrong cornerstone. As a result, they maintain their very narrow focus on what's important to God. They are ultimately built on "The Great Commission" when they should be built on "The Greatest Commandment." Jesus literally told us this (Matthew 22:36-40)!
Don't believe this is the wrong cornerstone? Try this:
1. Buy a cheap Bible. (I bought two of the same so as to clearly illustrate the difference.)
2. Tear out everything that is God using one or a few of His people to address the rest (Pentateuch, prophets, histories, gospels, epistles) as opposed to those "outside," and see how much of that Bible is left. I did. I went page by page and only left in what is God addressing "outsiders" and this is what's left:
It's worth noting that, not only is most of the Bible gone, but also (1) even a lot of what remains is God simply stating the judgment that is to come for the other nations ("an oracle concerning..." or "judgment on..." and (2) I left Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Songs in because they could be argued to be universal. So yeah, not much "reaching out to the lost" in there at all.
3. So what's the point?
The vast majority of Scripture is God teaching, reminding, admonishing, and even warning His people how to live so the world can see His ways in action.
4. Keep this Bible as an ever-present reminder of what God actually wants us to focus on (Psalm 89:14a, Matthew 22:36-40, Matthew 7:12).
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Note on "The Great Commission": While God obviously wants everyone to be with Him in the end (2 Peter 3:9), we essentially turned one verse into its own religion. And we didn't even get that right, i.e., stopping at "baptizing them..." and ignoring "teaching them to obey everything...."
Yes we are to "make disciples," but as has been pointed out for a long time now, "as we go" -- i.e., living as lights -- not as recruiters, behavior police, or judges! And certainly not hiding within our gated, out-of-touch bubbles with nothing to offer but "thoughts and prayers!"
We are called to love Him and each other increasingly well (Mark 12:28-31) and let Him make the fruit grow (1 Cor 3:7). It's almost as if we actually believe He needs our help!
(Extra credit: watch this video that delves more deeply into this particular focus.)
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God's plan for His people has always been the same. In the Old Testament, He put the Israelites in the "crossroads" of their day so that all nations could be exposed to what it's like to truly live and walk with Him, and the church is supposed to be the light in the darkness now. This plan, however, is predicated on His people actually loving Him and each other truly, as He defines love. We obviously need all the help we can get with this, hence the dominant focus of God's word.
And if we're being totally honest, we in the "American Church" have failed miserably at this. Nowadays, the world isn't persecuting the church for its hardline stance against sin; so-called Christians are seen as part of the problem, for reasons ranging from ignoring, avoiding, and even denying others' suffering and pain to outright support and celebration of evil! And we will have to answer for it. What else could Jesus be trying to tell us in Matthew 7:21-23?
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’"
For my first two or so years as a follower of Jesus, I wholeheartedly believed that this applied to those in other churches. Ever since the day I realized that this applies to everyone I have considered this the scariest (as in sobering in a terrifying way) passage in the entire Bible!
A few notes:
- Jesus does not contradict them saying, "No you did not do those things." He is telling us that we can check all of our religion's/church's boxes and still go to Hell!
- He boils it all down so simply to not truly knowing us.
- He is not talking to atheists, agnostics, or folks of other religions, because those folks won't be claiming to have done things in Jesus' name. This is for so-called Christians.
- He doesn't say "few" or even "some," He says "many."
- This not a parable or even a warning, this is a declaration of what will happen!
We read parables like Luke 18:9-14 and, almost subconsciously, see ourselves as the chest-beating sinner. What if we're wrong? Is that the point of the parable?? Are we really making every effort (Luke 13:24, 2 Peter 1:5, 2 Peter 1:10, etc.) or do we think we're somehow exempt from such warnings and admonitions?
The Flawed Building
One way the wrong cornerstone shows is that the church uses the language of "family" but they are not. It is Corporate America dressed up as a church. Genuine friendships have of course developed, but "coworkers" is a better comparison when looking at the bigger picture:
- People sit in the same place, with the same people, having the same conversations.
- There is a clear "org chart" hierarchy delineating who matters more.
- Your worth directly correlates to how much you contribute to the bottom line (growing the church).
- Questioning leadership will almost certainly not end well for you.
For many of us though, the biggest result of being built on the wrong cornerstone goes much deeper. It is about hurt and harm that has come from abuse, justified by the focus on "the mission," and swept under the rug. Hopefully I can be sensitive to those who have lived this literally(!), but it seems very much like finally admitting you are married to a racist, sexist, abusive narcissist, and you just can't do it any more. In fact, you should not.
Some love to say we should fight to keep the world/local culture from creeping into the church; more and more are realizing we're way past that. We have historically prided ourselves on being diverse and not like the world; however, while our membership has been diverse, our leadership and culture have been (and largely continue to be) White, conservative, American patriarchy. Again, Corporate America dressed up as a church.
And sadly, most seem okay staying on this path and definitely not okay with owning our mistakes and harm and truly working toward healing and real growth.
And this is why I and so many others have left / are leaving / will leave.
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Yet God goes way beyond any single earthly church organization, and there is (of course) hope.
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
“God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.”
- James 4:6
Those who truly want to love and please God must choose love and humility and dig deep to understand His heart if we are to truly fight for our hearts (Proverbs 4:23), our lampstands (Revelation 2:5), and both our and our hearers' souls (1 Timothy 4:16).
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